McCain's Victory Speech

By Ed Smallwood

This is the kind of speech that John McCaint may be giving this November if things don’t start changing real soon.

“My friends, I have just been told that we have achieved victory in our campaign! We have won this battle and will be in the White House this January, as we planned!

“There are some people that I must thank due to their special help! To those who supported Hillary Clinton and voted for me, I give a special thanks! You helped us win this election by an overwhelming mandate of almost 1% of the vote! You made all the difference! To those who refused to vote because Mrs. Clinton lost the primary, you helped by not standing against our mandate! Thank you!

“Your insistence on avoiding party unity helped to ensure that women’s rights will be set back in this country! By throwing a public tantrum through sites like ‘P.U.M.A.’ or ‘Party Unity My A$$’ you made sure I will be able to replace at least two moderate Supreme Court Justices with the most conservative judges I can find! You personally, either through your vote for me, or by refusing to vote for my opponent, made sure I can mend the divisions in our country by reaching across the isle in Congress and bullying the Democrats into voting in step with Republicans on important issues like making sure I can tap your phone conversations at will and without oversight, and ensuring that rich people get permanent and generous tax breaks! We will be able to pass an amendment to the Constitution outlawing all abortions in our country by the end of my Presidency, and it’s all because you couldn’t forgive Obama for not realizing it was a woman’s turn in office!

“Yes, my friends, we do owe these stubborn Hillary supporters a lot! Especially my friends in the financial and energy industries! By throwing the biggest hissy fit in our times, they have ensured that all government regulation of these and other industries will end, allowing fraud and outright thievery to take the pensions of innocent retirees! We will, because of Hillary’s most stubborn supporters, be able to hand Social Security trust funds over to the same people responsible for the current mortgage disaster!

“And we will be able to keep our troops in Iraq for at least the next hundred years, ensuring money flows through there to our friends in Black Water and Halliburton without oversight!

“Because of them and you, my friends, the mass shipping of U.S. jobs overseas will continue unstopped, and at a greater pace than in the past, to be replaced by minimum wages jobs! And if we can get those cowardly Democrats in Congress to back down, we can even get a reduction in the minimum wage to help our struggling industry keep pace with slave wages in communist countries!

“Yes, their help was invaluable to us, and we owe them a huge debt that we can never repay. Except through higher debt to foreign governments.”